Sunday morning my pastor's wife played the video of their family seeing and holding their two adopted children for the first time. You can imagine how I reacted... I cried. Not just tears slipping out... all out crying. I'm sure it affected everyone watching in some way. I looked around and saw many people wiping their eyes. But for me it was different. I have been there. I have seen that look on a mother's face. I have seen the child look up at it's parents... both in wonder and sometimes with a little timidity. I was even able to hand the sleeping child to it's mother for the first time. There is absolutely nothing like that in the whole world. I would give almost anything to experience that moment again. There is so much emotion in that one moment. I can't even begin to describe it.

There is another side to every one of those stories of an adoptive mother holding her child for the first time.
There is the birth mother holding her child for the last time. Wanting so desperately to keep this baby but knowing it just isn't possible. I've always wondered (especially everytime we would get a newborn at the orphanage) "How can she do this? How can she give him up? She should be willing to give and do ANYTHING to keep him". But the reality is.. sometimes giving and doing all she can is just not enough. It really is the most selfless act that she can do; give him up.

I've never seen that side of it firsthand. I've seen mothers come back to visit their baby one last time before the court date finalizing the adoption. But I've never seen them as they held their baby for the first time and then gave him away.
I watch a show on MTV called "16 and Pregnant". It follows the pregnancies of 16 yr old girls and the choices and sacrifices they make. One girl and her boyfriend decided to give up their baby girl for adoption because they knew they were too young to do it alone, and their home lives weren't that great. They wanted better for their baby.
I watched as they struggled with their decision (there was no support from her family), and as they chose the couple that they wanted to give their baby girl to. I watched as she goes into labor and finally gives birth to her baby. At first she didn't want to see her or hold her or anything. The doctor kept saying "Look! It's your daughter!" and she and her boyfriend just held each other and cried and wouldn't look. I cried too. I can't imagine what that's like, to have a baby and know that she isn't yours to keep. They did eventually decide to hold her for a few hours before giving her over to the adoptive parents. They cried and had to convince themselves they were making the right decision.
I cried watching it and kept thinking "I could never do that. I could never do that!" And it just hit me in a new way how much they loved their daughter and knew that their decision to let her go was the BEST way they could show their love for her. It was the hardest thing they ever had to do... but they chose to be selfless and give their baby a better life.

I also realized that it doesn't end with that. The mothers that gave their baby to the orphanage in Taiwan will live with that decision for the rest of their lives. They probably think about their baby every day. I hope that they know they did choose the best for their baby. I know that every single one of those 19 babies that I had for that 3 months are loved and cared for and always will be.

Looking Back

I miss Taiwan so much. The babies mostly. I know none of my babies are there anymore but I still think about it every single day.

I miss the mountains, climbing up towards the temple, sitting under the little pagoda watching the waterfall, taking the babies on walks, the horrid smell on the road to the lake, eating "icecream", hearing Chinese, waving at the store owners, biking into town... wow, there is so much I miss. I would give almost anything to get a ticket back to Taiwan for just a few weeks.

I'm making a scrapbook for each of the 19 babies that I took care of in Taiwan. Do you know how hard it is to go through over a year of pictures for 19 babies and only choose a few? I've been going through all the facebooks of their parents and picking out pictures. All of my babies have grown so so much! I wish I could meet up with all of them in person and hold them again.

Going to Taiwan was one of the best things I have ever done. Also one of the most painful. There are days I miss those babies so much I cry.

I love you... Henry, Wei Min, Kai, Karson, Libby, Daniel, Jackson, Ruth, Samuel, Yi Ting, Baby Girl Wu, Eli, Hsi Ya, Gavin Pan, Hudson An Hao, Jude, Emma Mei Ya, Micah, and Tristan.